The Great Disappointment
by Mental Gear
Summary: The characters from the Eragon book go to see the film of Eragon…with hilarious results! All Chapters Added!
1. All Geared Up

**Forenotes (Important, please read!)**

Please read these before continuing!

**Reader Discretion**

I'm not very good at giving ratings, so these notes will let you decide for yourself if this story is fit for your reading.

My rating: **T**

**Detailed Breakdown:**

Bad language: Infrequent, mild.Violence: Description of film's fight scenes.  
Sexual Content: Some, comic references.  
Other: Mocks film, various celebrities, Lord of the Rings hardcore geeks, and emos, but unlikely to offend.

**Update Schedule**

These forenotes and the first chapter are in the same post. From then on, one new chapter will be posted every week. However, this may change due to fan feedback.

**Other Notes On This Story**

This story is aimed at people who thought the Eragon film didn't do the book justice (i.e. most Eragon fans). Therefore, people who thought the film was as good as the book won't find it as funny. Also, I don't have the film on DVD for reference (it'd be a waste of money) so some of the details may be incorrect. For example, I can't remember _any_ of the Galbatorix / Durza scenes, a lot of the visual stuff isn't referenced, and chances are I may have missed out a few minor scenes. In some cases, I've even mixed up what order things came in. Usually this was from film-book confusion. In the book, Eragon uses magic in Yazuac, then later meets Angela and Solembum in Teirm. But in the film, both happen in Yazuac. WTH?

I would like to thank the Eragon message board on for answering my questions about the film. However, I would also like to insult the anti-shurtugal (a group who despise the Eragon books, even though they have read them), like so: you are all very stupid and should stop complaining. The majority of your points raised is just nitpicking because you aren't imaginative enough to think up any decent arguments. You should all shut up and go home to your parents who you still live with. Thank you.

Well, that's the precautionary stuff over with, enjoy the story! This is easily my best, and I'm proud of it!

-Mental

* * *

**Chapter 1: All Geared Up**

Eragon hated that feeling – the feeling he was being watched.

Well, he'd have to deal with it – he _was_ in a public place, after all. The 'numbers' factor didn't help either – he was part of a pack of ten different people. Specifically, Eragon, Arya, Orik, Nasuada, Brom, Angela, Murtagh, Roran, Durza and Galbatorix. A group of people in middle-ages clothing (weapons and all) wasn't exactly something that blended in in a crowded room. Many passers-by craned their necks to look. Some even kept a straight face. A few muttered "Cosplay lunatics" to their friends or to themselves. They then noticed Orik's axe dangling from his belt, gulped, and walked away hurriedly.

Brom, being the first in the line, reached the ticket booth to speak. "Ten tickets for _Eragon_, please."  
The frightfully obese woman behind the counter took a drag on her cigarette, while eyeing up the line. "Ten?" She said, with as much emotion as a living blob of lard can express. "There's only nine of you."  
Orik stood on his toes so his head became visible.  
"Oh, right," rumbled the woman. "Nine adult tickets and one children's ticket."  
If Orik was any taller, she would have noticed his face go bright red.

* * *

Everyone set about doing their own thing for ten minutes, as was arranged, then they would group together, check in their tickets and get in their seats, which were all front-row and together. They'd saved up their gold coins for a month to afford it. Okay, Orik _did_ sell off some of the bits from the shattered Isidar Mithrim, but it was all done for the benefit of the group. Orik went straight to the popcorn and pick 'n' mix corner. Arya, Nasuada and Angela grouped together gossiping. Galbatorix was bracing himself for his little job he'd have to pull off inside the screen room. Eragon, Roran and Murtagh stayed together, being relatives. Brom, being the most sensible, made sure he was ready, frequently checking his ticket, memorising the film's start time, and going to the bathroom. Three times. And Durza…well, Durza just stood in the corner looking moody.

"Do you really think there's still hope for book-to-film conversions?" Eragon asked Roran.  
Roran looked at Eragon in disbelief. "Of course there's hope. Four words, Eragon – first one '_Lord_'…"  
"I'm really looking forward to this!" Declared Eragon. "We're going to see our own film! Nothing, absolutely _nothing_, can upset me today!"  
Murtagh smirked and looked at Eragon. "Try this, then – you're my brother and our dad was in the Forsworn!"  
Eragon started crying.

Orik returned from his sugar-induced recluse, clutching two super-size popcorn boxes (one salted, one butter) and a bulging pick 'n' mix pack on his belt. Brom walked up to him and held out his hand expectantly.  
"Oh, yeah," exclaimed Orik. "You want what's left of what you gave me." He put down his popcorn boxes and handed Brom a single bronze coin, before picking up his treats and waddling into the centre of the room. He waved over at Angela. "Hey, Angela," he yelled to make himself audible. "We're going in in five minutes. Last chance if you want a box!" He nodded at one of the popcorn cartons in his arms.  
"No thanks, Orik," replied Angela. "I'm all set." She opened a basket she was holding, showing it was filled with mushrooms.

The room for screen thirteen was filled with people, but thankfully it was almost pitch black, so the group was less of a target for prying eyes. Each took their seats, with Orik taking the longest amount of time, as he had to find places to store all his food. Once they were all comfortable, Brom turned his head to face Galbatorix.  
"You ready?"  
"Of course I am," replied Galbatorix. "I have infinite strength. I'm the only one who can do this."  
"Erm…excuse me," said Durza, turning to Galbatorix. "Can I just ask you…do you have a will?"  
Galbatorix frowned. "Yes…why do you ask?"  
"Well, I was just wondering," said Durza, fidgeting. "Does it say that if you die, I can have your crown jewels? Y'see, if you _can't_ pull this off, and it – y'know – kills you, then I'd get them, and I always thought they'd fetch a good bit on eBay."  
Galbatorix didn't smile. "If you say anything like that again, you'll have to liquidate all your food to eat it."  
"Oh, shut up and get on with the spell!" Complained Angela.  
Galbatorix sighed, sat back in his seat, and closed his eyes. He muttered some words in the ancient language, and cast the greatest spell of all. Only he could have done it; only he had infinite strength. The spell covered everyone in the room except his group. Now, everyone else would not be able to see or hear them, or anything they caused, and that would definitely be necessary for the next arrival.  
Eragon found his mental link with Saphira.  
_Saphira, it's okay to land now.  
I'm right above you, little one._  
Saphira came crashing through the roof, and landed in the aisle, right next to Eragon.


	2. A Little Discontent

Welcome back!I originally planned to update Saturday, but your reviews triggered me to go ahead! Christmas comes early!**  
**

**Chapter 2: A Little Discontent**

Saphira winked at Galbatorix. _Thank you. Your repayment will come in the third book, which will hopefully be me ruthlessly tearing you to bits then eating your intestines._  
"Shh!" Said Nasuada. "It's starting!"  
The soothing, yet crap, cinema music died down with the lights and the film started. A rider's view of his flight atop his black dragon showed. A generic voiceover prattled on in too little detail about the rise and fall of the Riders.

* * *

Eragon noticed that Orik was clutching onto his seat, white-knuckled. He tapped his dwarven friend on the shoulder.  
"Orik? Are you alright?"  
Orik turned to look at Eragon. His face was pure white. "I…I'm okay…Just remembering when Saphira flew me to the Burning Plains…For Gûntera's sake, will I ever get over my fear of heights?"

* * *

The introduction was over just as quickly as it had begun. A blue-tinted forest clearing appeared, and three figures on horseback rode through the clearing. A fourth figure watched them from under the foliage's cover. Come on, don't tell me you can't remember it. If you don't know what this is, you're not even a fan of the book. 

Durza leapt from cover, as did a bunch of grown men that were covered in make-up, Marilyn Manson-style, in a failing attempt to look like urgals. They didn't even have any _horns_ for Christ's sake! How can you make men look like monsters if you don't have one of the species' most important features? It was just plain stupid. Although the battle was just cheaply made – no swords – it had some nice use of pyrotechnics. Durza just went at it with fire. _Brisingr_ this and _brisingr_ that…it was a nice introduction to magic. But if you were being picky – as I am – you could point out that all the fire was yellow. Wouldn't you think that magical fire spewed from a Shade's palm would be, like, _so _hot that it would be _blue_?

Surrounded, Arya lifted up Saphira's egg – which was too big – and sent it away to where Eragon would later find it. The real Arya stood up and pointed her index at the screen.  
"This is preposterous!" She bellowed. "In the book, you didn't get to see the egg! Here, it's as clear as daylight! And…" she added, looking insulted and a bit breathless to boot, "…They made me look fat."  
Durza captured Arya. Hey, do you really expect me to go through it all with you? You're old enough to remember things for yourself, and this has to be shortened to fit it all in. Just like the film, eh? I mean, they cut out about _half_ of the book, and changed just as much.

* * *

A similar, also blue-tinted forest clearing appeared. From the looks of it, the producers couldn't be bothered, so they recycled around half the sets. A hunched figure walked in it. Opening credits continued to appear. There was a collective roar in the room when 'Based on the novel by Christopher Paolini' appeared. From the looks of it so far, though, it should have been 'Based very loosely on the novel by Christopher Paolini, who, if he were dead, would be turning over in his grave'. 

The figure – Eragon, duh – carried a quiver of arrows and a neat little bow. It was well-crafted, looking shoddy and homemade; a nice use of props. He was stalking a deer, keeping his eyes on his target and weapons at the ready. _Finally_, something that was _completely_ faithful to the source material. But when it was this small, who cared? Oh yeah, that would be _really _useful when the director was asked about his reactions to the fans' complaints. "The viewers were too focused on the negative points of the film to notice the down-to-the-bottom accuracies, like the way Eragon hunts a deer." Wow. Yep, that's _definitely _going to justify the film.  
Just as Eragon prepared to take a shot, a great wall of fire burst in the clearing. So far, so good. Or, the calm before the storm. Eragon's face showed – how was _this_ faithful? He was _blonde_. Blonde! Come on!

* * *

The real Eragon, clearly aggravated, rose from his seat and grabbed Zar'roc. Well, he _tried_ to grab Zar'roc, but felt nothing in his sheath. He heard a fake coughing to his left, and saw that Murtagh was holding Zar'roc, smiling with glee. _Of course_. He'd taken it at the end of _Eldest_. Eragon gave Murtagh a two-fingered salute before sitting back down. How could they? _Him_, the lead character, had been lost in translation from page to screen! He watched his badly-remade self pick up Saphira's laughably enormous egg and get ready to trudge back to Carvahall. 


	3. Home Sour Home

**Chapter 3: Home Sour Home**

This Carvahall was a pretty faithful reinterpretation. Houses were made of whatever was available, but not badly made. Brom was being questioned by two imperials, who both must have had the same ugly parents as they looked so similar and so generic. Brom feebly tried to 'crack' a 'funny' by saying someone might fall over a pair of dead chickens. Oh, hold my sides, it's so funny. Bizarrely, the on-screen Eragon smiled, so either he was trying to tell the audience "This is funny – laugh" or he was very stupid. At least Brom was recognisable. Grey hair, lean figure…not spot on, but at least not a mutilation. The real Brom, however, seemed disgusted. "This is preposterous!" He announced. "Look, they're just getting Jeremy Irons to play me to make even more money! As if conning our fans wasn't evil enough!" He spat in rage. Unfortunately for him, he ended up spitting in one of Orik's popcorn boxes, and currently has Orik's knuckles imprinted on his cheek.

Sloan was a different story. A spot-on incarnation. Well, he was a bit like Sloan's fatter, balder, older (and gayer) cousin. You can't, however, give him credit for acting ability. Seriously, who would credit you for blurting out a long-winded way of saying "I ain't buyin' that Spine stuff."? Your mom, probably, but no-one else. But things came crashing back down when Eragon met up with Roran. In the film, they weren't cousins – they were practically twins. No, not twins, but _clones_. And when you both looked like that, this was never a good thing. Were they people or hobbits? Their fighting with sticks may have looked exciting, but it was about as ferocious as a kitten with a hangover. If there was an urgal there, he would be more likely to give them a hug and a cup of soup than to tear their heads off.

They say first impressions are everything. So far, the dull-o-meter had gone through the roof.


	4. About Bloody Time

**Ch**a**pter 4: **A**bout Bloody Time**

Everyone in the cinema wanted to see Saphira. So far, all they'd been given was an egg large enough to house a few crabs, characters that looked like the filmmakers had taken the book's heroes, blown them up and knitted them back together and cringeworthy cheesy dialogue. Everyone who'd read the book knew what was going to happen. This would be the moment of truth. Well, 'the moment of truth' was kind of pushing it, the film being as unfaithful as it was. 'The moment of not too many lies' would be more fitting.

* * *

The on-screen Eragon wasn't shocked, but puzzled, to hear Saphira's egg shaking. He watched it hatch with glee, as if he'd been expecting this all along, and continued to smile even when it hatched. Er…hello? An oversized lizard hatching from something you found isn't really something to smile at. Surely that deserves a full-throated scream, if not a "OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S A DRAGON!!!!!"? "Hello." Said Eragon. Yes, Eragon, treat it like a pet, not something that will change your life forever. Saphira wasn't really awe-inspiring at all. They'd got her colour right, but the similarities ended there. That said, she looked cuter than a fluffy kitten wearing a bow eating a marshmallow. Numerous "Aaw!" sounds could be heard echoing round the room.

Eragon's search for knowledge regarding dragons was about as faithful as a two-year-old's finger-paint recreation of the Mona Lisa. Whereas his 'book' self politely knocked on Brom's door, this one broke in and started leafing through Brom's scrolls about dragons. When Brom caught him, the old man looked terrified, as if Eragon had found his stash of 'adult' magazines that he kept under his bed. And judging from the flushed look on Brom's face, they'd just been put to use.

Eragon pushed Saphira into the air like a 5-year old would do trying to get a budgie to fly. "You're a dragon, you've got to fly!" Christ, Eragon, you're being a bit bossy, aren't you? Especially considering she could tear your head right off. Saphira flew to an amazing height, soaring elegantly above the trees, gliding majestically into the clouds and…growing to full size in three seconds flat? This isn't a film…it's blasphemy. "I am Saphira." Echoed Rachel Wei…er, I mean Saphira. Right, so you're just _called _Saphira, just like that? So Eragon _didn't _name you? It's just a fact that you're called Saphira, a fact that's just _there_, like how things that don't fly have to fall down, or like how Bill Gates is using Windows Vista to enslave mankind?


	5. On The Road Again

Hello again. I apologise for the delay in the update. I tried it Friday but the site had problems.

**Chapter 5: On The Road Again**

We were supposed to hate Sloan. Well, maybe to a lesser extent in _Eldest_, but the book makes it clear he's not really a nice guy. So, answer me this – how are we supposed to hate him when the Ra'zac (now being made out of twigs instead of being hooded crows) tortured him into telling them that Eragon had Saphira? Wouldn't it have been better if he just _told _them as soon as they asked? Oh, yeah…he did that in the book. Another inaccuracy.

The way Saphira's flight was altered was probably just a way to show less gore. Instead of having his legs ripped to bits by Saphira's scales, he had to cling onto her tail for the journey. And when they got back, Eragon's home was hardly filled with vein gravy. All you saw was Garrow's body stuck under some broken wood. As Eragon tried to get at the corpse, Brom appeared in the doorway as if he knew exactly what had been happening, burnt Garrow, then took off with Eragon. There's just no excuse for this – it's just plain rushed.

And so Eragon and Brom set off on their journey, lasting 179 pages but had to be crammed into around half an hour. So how do they do it? Cut it short in a way that disgusts the fans, of course!

It wasn't long before we got another look at the urgals. Eragon and Brom saw them from a secluded spot. They were raiding a village. No, wait, they were attacking some travellers. No, they…they…Christ, I don't remember. Maybe they were herding some slaves. Or maybe they were just on a coffee break. Anyway, it was just an excuse to easily crowbar in a scene where Eragon and Brom fought with sticks. "Oh, I can see your power." said Brom sarcastically as he disarmed Eragon for the third time.

* * *

The real Eragon turned to his friends.

"Firstly," he said, directing his speech at Brom, "if you really did say that, I would have sewn your ass to your face. Secondly," he continued, speaking to his group in general, "that line is a good way of showing how hard it was to go through Brom's training. The only other way they could have expressed my angst would have been making me constantly listen to an MP3 player with nothing on it but My Chemical Romance. That said, I've seen better. One of the best would be _Inner_ _Torment_, which was a one-shot written by Mental Gear, and also posted on Although it…"

"Shh!" Interrupted Nasuada. "Will you watch this and stop plugging the author?"

Embarrassed, Eragon sank back into his seat.


	6. Where Are We Anyway?

I apologise for the ASCII jokes, the site won't accept certain symbols.

**Chapter 6: Where Are We Anyway?**

Then some things happened that are a complete blank. What? I warned you in the forenotes that this would happen. And if you're thinking of complaining to me because of this, open your eyes and notice that lesser authors dedicate whole chapters to apologising for not updating in a month because they're disorganised. Uh, what _can_ I remember? Er…clicks fingers and whistles for a bit Eragon killed a Ra'zac. But…how? Seriously, he can't kill one now, so how the hell could he kill one then?

Now, this is where the film starts to get a bit weird. In the book, Eragon meets Angela and Solembum in Teirm and first uses magic in Yazuac. But in the film, he does both in the same place, and Brom says it's Daret. So this place has to be _both_ Teirm, Yazuac and Daret. But…that's impossible! So this must be _neither_ Teirm, Yazuac or Daret and it's an interdimensional realm existing outside of time and space, which would make Teirm, Yazuac and Daret a void, sending them plummeting into the abyss, but if they didn't exist neither could happen there and…look, I'm going to need a diagram.

Book:

Teirm :) Angela  
:) Solembum  
:) Eragon

Yazuac :) Eragon: brisingr ------------------- XX Urgal (dead) **BANG!**

Film:

??? (supposedly Daret) :) Angela  
:) Solembum (Not shown)  
with  
:) Eragon (blonde)  
+XX Urgal (dead, thoroughly human)

Therefore:

Fans of book D:  
Director of film + $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
Christopher Paolini + $$$$$ (royalties only, the filmmakers stole the rest)

Therefore:

You when you look at this diagram XD

That any help?

* * *

So Brom and Eragon arrived in Teir…Yaz…Dar…Darzuarm, which looked a lot like Kashyyyk from _Star Wars Episode III_. Huts built on small platforms just above water level? What are we supposed to say? "Great idea for a location, very original"? 

Once night fell, Eragon entered one of the hut-houses without knocking. Is it just me, or is that a bit like most Role-Playing Games? You can enter anyone's home, talk to the owners, open their cupboards to steal their contents then throw all their stools at walls to smash them.

Anyway, Eragon entered the home. There was a tanned woman sitting down wearing golden clothing [coughPrincessLeiacough. However, the way she was sitting – on the floor, legs crossed, apparently meditating – made it look like some kind of Amazonian straightjacket. She looked at Eragon. "Do you want me to tell you your fortune?" She asked. There were no 'Hello's, no 'What's your name's, no smiles, no pleasantries at all. Right, she's _definitely_ a mental patient.

"How much will it cost me?" Queried Eragon. He's offered a chance to know his destiny, and the first thing he does is ask about money – tight git.

"Did Angela ask for money?" Eragon – keeping his relief hidden – went and sat down opposite An- Wait…_that's_ Angela?! If the film version of Eragon was unfaithful, this was something else entirely. This must be an Angela from 20 years before her appearance in the book. Since when was Angela _hot_? Hell, since when was she _sane_?

Angela's prophecy was unchanged. In case you can't remember, here's a simplified version of what Angela said to Eragon:

"You'll do a lot of travelling, get the hots for an elf princess, you'll get screwed by your brother, and in the end you'll bugger off to some distant land. By the way, is your name Eragon or Frodo?"

Just as soon as Eragon set foot outside of Angela's hut, he was descended upon by Gene Simmons and the rest of KI…Er, I mean the urgals attacked him. And here it was – the legendary 'brisingr' moment. But instead of being cornered in an alleyway, Eragon was stuck on a bridge. He originally shot an exploding flaming arrow into an urgal's head and the other was killed by a shockwave. Here, though, he shot an arrow into one, and a blue explosion took out around 4 urgals and a section of the bridge. Eragon's sight faded as he saw Saphira flying down to him. Stupid Saphira. Shouldn't she focus on killing the rest of the urgals?

Then Eragon came to and Brom taught him the elfish word for branch. Yeah, that's going to be _really_ useful in a fight.


	7. Gutted At Gil'ead

**Chapter 7: Gutted At Gil'ead**

Soon after, Eragon had his wet drea…I mean vision about Arya, which was also messed up beyond recognition. Originally, he had scryed her in his sleep. This time round, Durza created a vision that for some unexplained reason was green-tinted. 'Arya' ordered Eragon to rescue her from Gil'ead. However, the vision ended before Eragon had a chance to ask "If I do, will you sleep with me?"

Hoping that he'd 'get lucky' if he succeeded, Eragon set out to rescue Arya from Gil'ead. Then some bits happened that I don't really remember. Look, it's been ages since I saw the film, and I'd rather gouge my eyes out than watch it again. You could at least cut me some slack.

* * *

Ultimately, Eragon found Arya, who was fully conscious. Another screw-up right there. He was supposed to find her **unconscious**, and drugged up to the eyes with poison to boot. So she ended up following him like a frail old biddy. They met up with Brom later and – here's the important bit – Durza lobbed a spear at Brom. He didn't die though. So, if he was just about alive, his insides must be made from titanium. Things were looking bleak for Eragon. Brom was useless now, and he had no chance fighting a Shade, particularly a Shade that had made fun of his height. Just when it looked like Eragon was well and truly screwed, who should turn up but a dark-haired guy who looked like a whiny little emo, to shoot Durza in the head with an arrow, before buggering off.

Like a flying taxi service, Saphira picked up Eragon, Arya and the wounded Brom. Landing somewhere safe, Eragon had a crack at healing Brom, and proved the director had no grasp of Paolini's magic system. Eragon failed. He didn't heal Brom, but with the spell he used, it should have either A) healed Brom or B) used up all of Eragon's energy, killed him, Saphira at the same time, and left Brom to die. However, the spell failed and Eragon lived, so the spell chose options C) None of the above and D) irritate the fans.

Then Murtagh popped up and, yep, he's the emo. While they were journeying to god-knows-where, Durza stood over a pit of lava, his hand extended. His index finger had a pretty nasty hangnail, and for some reason his black fingernail turned into slop and fell into the pit. Somehow, this triggered the poison in Arya and she passed out. So it had a time delay? It should have _instantly_ worked! It's a deadly poison, not a suppository! In her sleep, she told Eragon to cross the Hadarac Desert to reach the Beor Mountains. Because Eragon's screen representation was a goody-two-shoes, he did as he was told.

Well, at least Brom got his diamond grave. That's one thing they got right.


	8. Five Minute Flight

To compensate for the abysmal length of this chapter, and for the long wait, I'm putting up chapter 9 today as well!

**Chapter 8: Five Minute Flight**

Everyone loves an epic chase. Whether it's good chasing evil, demons chasing humans, or the police chasing Pete Doherty, chases are great. Less so when said epic is shrunk. It was shrunk so much that I couldn't remember wha…sigh Look, I'm sorry, alright? I know I'm missing a large chunk of the film, but you should be grateful for what you're given, then shut up. Yeah, life sucks.

* * *

Skipping ahead to what I remember, Eragon and co. found the entrance to Farthen Dûr, only to find that it was closed (Shock! Horror! Yawn!) as the urgals moved in on them. Saphira was a raging ball of fury. Swinging her tail and slashing with her talons, she sent urgals flying like feathers in a storm, or chavs at the Download Festival. But no matter how ferocious she was, she was nothing compared to the rage that was to come.

* * *

Orik's straw shot out of his mouth as he choked. As soon as he could breathe, he leapt to his feet and shook his fist at the screen.  
"Where am I?! How dare they make an _Eragon_ film and not include me!"  
"Calm down, Orik!" shrieked Angela. "There, that's you!" She pointed to the screen, now showing a dwarf who did not speak, but just looked sorry for himself  
"That is **not** me!" He bellowed. "All dwarves can recognise each other, by their beards! His beard is 3 foot 8 inches! Mine is 3 foot _9_! Imposter!"


	9. Finally Here

**Chapter 9: Finally Here**

You've been dragged to the cinema, and through the Hadarac Desert, and by now you've either been chucked out for filming the screen with your camera phone (which you plan to put on YouTube, titled 'The Worst Film Ever'), lost the will to live or are expecting some kind of compensation for putting up with this drivel.

Farthen Dûr was your compensation. The ancient stone halls, the grand architecture, the population of men and dwarves (none of which was Orik) and, of course, Orik's main source of payment for his ticket, Isidar Mithrim, glowing like the most radi…**what?!**

Whe…whe…_Where the bloody hell is Isidar Mithrim?_ It can be in Patagonia for all we care, it wasn't here, **where it should be!** If Isidar Mithrim wasn't here, it wasn't Farthen Dûr. And if it wasn't Farthen Dûr, it's another space paradox, just like in Teirm / Yazuac / Daret (for maximum confusion, try substituting each stroke with a '&' symbol. Don't worry, I won't delete this story, take your time uncrossing your eyes), and I don't want to do another diagram. Seriously, ASCII art jokes are only funny once, especially if doesn't accept a large handful of them. Henceforth, they can be only used to display emotions, which only 3 net-spods and one chicken-pox ridden child can understand. That's certain to cause a few !!!!!1s

I have no idea what I'm doing.

* * *

There's no hiding it, I was buying time, trying to remember what happens here. Then again, how could I buy time on this thing? _It's a word processor for Christ's sake._ Specifically, Microsoft Word. There's actually no point trying to buy time though, any spare time you have will be taken up by the age it takes to load the program. Thanks Microsoft.

Er…where was I…I completely lost my trail of thought…Paradoxes…Internet…Microsoft…That fat guy in the forest without any clothes – Ah, yes, the film! Kitted out in armour, Eragon was prepared to fight. Clearly, he wouldn't have known decent protection if it threw itself in his face and danced around wearing a tutu, acid-green wig and a 'will pay for sex' t-shirt. This was just chain mail. That offers hardly any protection whatsoever. We're only interested in it if it can somehow darken his hair. Both he and Arya smiled at the suit. As far as they knew, it was impenetrable – they're both doomed.

* * *

Eragon stood up from his seat and scratched his chin. "If I were you, mate – which I _am_," he said, pointing at his on-screen self, "I wouldn't be too concerned about being murdered by urgals, and be more worried about getting your head lopped off by the book's fans.

* * *

Overlooking the fray alongside Saphira, Eragon prepared to leap – or prance, seeing as he was about as powerful as a kitten in a blizzard – into battle. "To the sky, to fight or die!" He roared. _Wow._ Nobody saw that coming – a bit of scriptwriting that was actually _good_. Almost to agree, Saphira bellowed, and flames spewed from her maw, the raging inferno spiralling to…hold on, this is too early! She's supposed to breathe fire only to kill Durza, after crashing through the Isida…oh, right. This film had more problems than Saphira had scales, or _Driv3r_ had glitches.

Just when it's about to start, who should appear but the man himself, Durza? Hissing words of magic, he summoned a demon of smoke. It was a bit dull though. Just a big black _thing_ with no specific shape or terrifying features. It looked kind of tame. Maybe Durza stroked it and took it to the vet. Getting it neutered must have cost him a lot.

The ultimate showdown, light versus darkness, dragon versus rain-cloud-in-the-general-shape-of-a-dragon. As Saphira took after Durza's mount, Eragon used his mighty skills of the ancient language to…see through Saphira's eyes? How was this going to help? All it did was sap away his energy, and your will to live. He would have been able to decimate him in 100 different ways with magic, but he does this. What a wuss. All it did was make everything bright and colourful. Getting stoned would have had the same effect. The trash talk would have been pathetic. "Hah, Durza, you will never escape my powers of marginally-better-sight!"

Ultimate showdown my foot. It wasn't a furious, raging war, it was basically Eragon chasing after Durza, as if they were teenage lovers. Actually, that seems very plausible. They both looked gay. Spurred on by his desire to run his hands through Durza's scarlet hair, and because he was being paid a lot to be in the film, Eragon urged Saphira to continue the pursuit.

It was a suicide mission (clearly a love worth dying for then). From below, the urgoths, _sorry_, urgals let loose a barrage of arrows, piercing Saphira's wings. She howled in agony. As her strength faded, so did her magic. Eragon, sharing her sight, began to have trouble seeing. He didn't even think about using his own eyes. If it wasn't stupidity, then there's always the chance he was flashed by a dwarf and went temporarily blind. Seizing his chance, Durza turned around and went for a full frontal (oh, grow up) assault against Eragon. Ploughing into him with about as much ferocity as a snowball thrown into a fireplace, Durza tackled Eragon. They were sent plummeting to the ground. They were within spitting distance of each other. In fact, if they got through this, Eragon could sue Durza for invading his personal space. Durza didn't exactly seem interested in getting a lawyer; he just tried to kill Eragon. Spiralling to the ground in a ball of fury, it was time for Eragon's moment in the spotlight. Christ, don't balls it up. That said, there wasn't much point in trying. You know the score. Zar'roc, _brisingr_, stab Durza, goodnight. And that's what happened, to put it bluntly. Durza's mount dissipated as he did, leaving Eragon and Saphira to hit the ground alone. Saphira was badly wounded. Crawling over, Eragon placed his hand over her wound. And yet, the healing failed, and he passed out.

Passed out?! He should be dead! And I would be right in saying it would be best if he WERE dead.


	10. That's Your Lot

**Chapter 10; That's Your Lot**

What have Saphira and Brom got in common? They were both gravely injured, Eragon tried to heal them and failed, and he should now be dead. Twice. Well, now that you add in the 'twice', he should be alive and well, shouldn't he? Double negatives make a positive, after all. So, with this in mind, the film is completely accurate and great viewing, isn't it? _No it isn't, it's still sickeningly bad._

Eragon (film) woke up after the battle to find Murtagh pacing around – again with the emo mannerisms – and had a nice friendly chat about house prices on the other side of Alagaësia (well, you'd think they were from how casual they spoke) before asking where Arya was.

Watching himself flying across lush green fields, Eragon smiled as he remembered doing this in the…wait, he _didn't_ do it in the book. He got cut up by a Shade, passed out, was woken up by an old hag and told his back had been ripped to bits.

Saphira must have had the patience of a saint. Amazingly, she was content to sit and watch Eragon have a long-winded, badly-scripted conversation with Arya that was trying – and failing – to draw the film to a close. If I were her, I'd rip one of them to bits, or bite my own ears off to save myself from the dialogue.

* * *

If you had to endure an hour of torture, but receive a minute of bliss at the end, would you? No, don't frown. I'm not going off topic; it's a build up to what's coming. Then again, you have probably fallen asleep watching the film, and if you're lucky you'll have woken up for this bit.

A lot can happen in very little time. A small action can have a big result. Galbatorix, enraged from his defeat, tore apart a map of Alagaësia. As the curtain fell to the ground, an awe-inspiring beast was revealed – Shruikan. Its enormous black spines shaking, he roared, wild as a boar, untrained by Galbatorix. Flame lashed the screen.

Then darkness.

Then the end credits.

Crucially, with crap music.

Eragon slumped back into his seat. In all honesty, he was relieved it was over. But something didn't feel – or more accurately, smell – right. Eragon's nose shrivelled a bit. "Orik," he said, "do you smell something?" Orik's head whipped round to face Eragon, and he coughed. "Er…well, when something as terrifying as that happens…and…abruptly…" he blushed, then took a deep breath. "Alright, I admit it! I, one of the mightiest dwarfs in existence, soiled myself!"


	11. End Of The Line

**Chapter 11****: End Of The Line**

_Well, Saphira_, said Eragon. _It looks like you'll have to leave now._ Saphira puffed, clearly outraged at the film, and flew through the ceiling. Galbatorix squinted, getting up the rest of his strength, and reassembled the roof with his magic. Once everything was in place, he sighed, relieved that he'd finished his spell. Fuming, everyone stood up and trudged to the room's exit. Durza was last in line.  
"Damnit!" he muttered. "If he held it for five more minutes, he would have kicked the bucket, and his crown jewels would be mine!"  
Galbatorix, halfway up the queue, turned around and pointed to his ear. "My power extends beyond magic – I heard that. The rest of you go on ahead. Not you, Durza."  
As Eragon left the room, he swore he could hear a steel pipe being jammed down someone's throat.

* * *

"So," sighed Roran, "What did you think?"  
Eragon let out a long breath. "I don't know. I do know what I thought, but I don't know how to express how bad it was. Words…words…what words can I use…'crap' works. Or maybe 'pathetic', 'godawful' and especially 'waste of money'."  
Roran turned to face Orik. "What did you think, Orik?"  
Orik made a noise that was a bit like a whimper. He wasn't whimpering, he was just biting his hand really hard to let out the frustration from not being included in the film.  
Durza caught up with the group, and was massaging his neck with one hand. Eragon could see Galbatorix watching Durza, grinning from ear to ear.  
"Well, Durza," said Eragon. "What's your opinion?"  
Durza made a choking noise. "Rubbish!" He blurted, his voice higher than Mick Jagger in a room full of heroin. "It did have some good bits, like the battle between me and you."  
"But it left out more than half the book! It even left out a crucial plot event – you cutting my back open!"  
Durza grinned sadistically. "That can be arranged!" He rushed at Eragon, preparing to draw his sword. But Eragon's power had doubled since their fight, and he spun round, and pointed the tip of his index finger at Durza's forehead, before using his favourite spell – "Brisingr!"

Durza stopped where he stood, and his eyes widened. He dropped his sword and stared straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular. Puzzled, Murtagh looked straight at him.  
"Durza?"  
Durza didn't say anything.  
"Durza? What's wrong?"  
Nothing again.  
"Durza, say something!"  
Durza's head turned so he looked at Murtagh. Durza's mouth hung open for a moment, before speaking.  
"Spolodgenessabowowowowowaiaiaiaiaiugiigugiiigokigokibibi," explained Durza, before collapsing on the ground. He twitched a bit, started to drool, and a stain spread across the front of his pants.  
"What the hell did you do to him?" Asked Angela.  
Eragon smirked. "Simple. I started a microscopic flame on one of his electrodes. The heat of the flame and electronic signals started a fire, which melted his brain."  
Brom sighed. "We can't let this happen to Eldest and…whatever the next one's called…it'll be a six-letter word starting with 'E', and the cover will be green. What are we going to do?" Everyone wracked their brains (or ashes in Durza's case) for a solution.  
"I know!" Proclaimed Angela, beaming. "We'll write a letter of complaint!"

It was only after the group had left the cinema when Eragon realised that something was missing, other than Durza's brain.  
"Hey, where's Arya?"  
"I'm not sure," said Roran. "The last time I saw her, she was having a guy in a _Lord Of The Rings_ T-shirt being forcibly removed from her leg…"


	12. In The Director's Office

Merry Christmas! I apologise for the delay, I was too busy. I also rewrote this chapter yesterday.

**Chapter 12: In The Director's Office**

Stefen Fangmeier sighed, irritated. He put down his newspaper, bored of noticing why review scores for _The Golden Compass_ were **much **higher than scores for _Eragon_, as he pried open the letter on his desk. "Not another fanboy," he said to himself. "The film made some mistakes, so what?" Aggravated, he unfolded the letter and red it aloud, even though he was the only person in the room.

* * *

_Dear Mr. Fangmeier,_

_We, the characters of the Eragon novel, have seen the film adaptation, which won three awards ('Most Unfaithful', 'Biggest Letdown', and the 'Golden Turkey'), and are sorely disappointed. To be more specific, we have enclosed our own views separately._

_I was the lead character, and the least faithful! This is an outrage! People expect to see an accurate representation of the protagonist – not very hopeful when he's blonde. – Eragon Shadeslayer_

_Why did you make me so vulnerable? I spent half the time screaming in terror. I can stand up for myself! If you read the book, you would have seen that I am quite capable of killing. – Arya_

_There's this thing in Alagaësia, right, it's called 'politics'. Agreed, fight scenes make for a lot of action. Story? Less so. – Nasuada_

_I breathed fire far too early, and it was useless! How was that supposed to be dramatic?_

There was no signature for the comment, but there was what looked like the edge of an enormous pawprint.

_I object to the way I was portrayed. In reality, I'm insa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaane! LOL!!!! 1! 1! 11! – Angela_

_You made me look like a whiny emo! – Murtagh_

_I looked __**exactly**__ like Eragon! There's a difference between 'cousins' and 'twins', not that you'd know, you inbred little _[removed to keep T rating _- Roran_

_I had hardly any screen time, and…and…well, I can't really find anything else to complain about, because…because…look, I just wasn't in it enough! – Galbatorix_

_P.S. I know where you live. I scryed you._

_You killed me off! I was too young to die! – Brom_

_ARGH! I WASN'T EVEN IN IT! I'M COMING FOR YOU! – [anonymous_

That specific comment was written in what Stefen _hoped_ was red biro.

_You gave me a great death, but at no point in my life did I __have a sloppy hangnail, or felt an urge to have sexual intercourse with another male. – Eragon Shadeslayer, on the behalf of Durza, who has forgotten how to write.

* * *

_Stefen sighed and was about to tear up the letter when he noticed a post script at the bottom. "P.S." he read aloud. "Brisingr." As soon as he said it, the letter caught fire, burning his hands. Never again would he ruin another novel…

**The End**


End file.
